My Eating Disorder Story

Zoe Wong
Apr 23, 2019
8 min read

Growing up, I was blessed to have a happy childhood. I didn't grow up in a super strict household, my parents leaving the door open for us to create our own identity and version of ourselves as we explored the new and enticing world around us. I'm the oldest out of three, and so I was pretty bossy when it came to keeping the three of us together. We were always going on adventures. Whether it be to Disney or within the confines of the place we called home, my siblings and I would make almost anything up from our imagination (Riding bikes around the house was almost always a reocurring thing!). My mom being a teacher, I loved to teach my siblings, and would often hold classes, make powerpoints for them, give them tests...the whole package ( I think they secretly hated it lol).

Fast forward to my pre-teens, I began to loose some of my "innocence." I noticed myself suddenly becoming more aware of my body, and how it compared to the other girls in my classes. Puberty came early for me I guess, and I was already filling out; but I was still a child, so I didn't know any better than to just separate myself from them and place myslef in a separate category: fat; however, this didn't lead to restriction, in fact it lead to the opposite. Much of the time I would be sneaking bars and tubs of ice cream into my room to eat in isolation at night, when no one would be able to see me do it.

I did not know that this was the prequel to what would soon develop into a 4 year battle with an eating disorder, but nevertheless, I continued to pursue the emotional binging and eating behaviors. My family members would comment on my weight gain, and sometimes would suggest I should exercise, but I would boldly turn them down. I was confident in my decision, rebelling against the pressure that I needed to change by binging and refusing to exercise. Looking back it does not make much sense to me now but I guess it did back then.

Throughout middle school, I began to use my weight as a way to hide my feelings. The baggy clothes and multiple layers I wore representing the walls I built to protect my heart and the jokes I made about my weight used as validation that I was different and wasn't good enough for other people. This drove me into depression, although, only 13, I wasn't sure what it was. All I knew was I was obsessed with copying depressing quotes on paper over and over again (this is clearly not healthy) and making minor efforts at self harm. By the end of 8th grade I knew something needed to change.

Early on in middle school I had made a pact with myslef that I would not be "fat" in high school, and wrapping up my 8th grade year, I knew I needed to do something to make that possible. Upon my yearly check-up that year, my doctor categorized me as "overweight" and told me I should start working to lose some weight so I didn't develop any potential health problems in the future. I know she meant it with the best intentions, but my fragile heart didn't see it as that. I saw it as confirmation. Confirmation that I wasn't good enough as I was, so I had to change.

That May I started to workout. My family applauded me for suddenly becoming concerned with being healthier and making healthier choices. I created a food log and would do daily Wii Fit weigh-ins in my living room. The high I got off of seeing the number go down was euphoric and kept me wanting more. I soon abandoned the idea of "healthy eating" and instead focused on diets that advertised quick weight loss or "Lose 10 Pounds in 3 Days!" Before I knew it, my staples became cereal, smoothies, granola bars, vegtables, and soup. With all of the effort I began to put into loosing weight, I had successfully dropped down to a deemed "healthy" weight in a time span of three months. I was commended by my doctor and by my family, and I suddenly felt a little bit happier; however, one weekend all of that lost its meaning.

My grandmothers wedding day. I never thought I'd be a part of a wedding, but it was a dream of mine. I had just achieved my goal weight and was so excited to wear the dress I picked out. That weekend definintely was not filled with my "normal" foods, and I honestly didn't mind. I looked at the weekend as a "reward" for all the hard work I put in to reach this state. If only I knew then what I know now, maybe my eating disorder would have never started.

After I came back from the wedding, I got on the scale. I had "gained" a whole almost 10 pounds. Shocked and filled with shame, I immediately blamed the food. "It was because I didn't eat my normal foods." I said. I feared I would get "fat" again, and so I quickly increased my workout routine and stuck to a more rigid eating plan. It worked, but once I got back to my goal weight, it was too late, I had already met "Ed" (for those who don't know, "Ed" is a term used to refer to the eating disorder), and I was in love. I fell in love with the promises he made, telling me that I was going to stay thin and be accepted forever if I followed his advice. I wasn't prepared for the next 8 months, when he dragged me to the point of being skin and bone. The longer I stayed, the more I realized that he didn't actually care about me. What once felt like a loving relationship turned into an abusive one. He drove me crazy, critisizing every decision I made, food related or not. He made me snappy with my family and drove me into isolation from my friends. I would scream into my pillow, begging for God to make the voices to stop. Hitting rock bottom brought me to develop suicidal thoughts, a really low point that I could not have handled had it not been for my parents breathing life back into me.

November 2016. That's when I finally decided to recover. Having pursued disordered behaviors for a little over a year, I was ready for a change. I couldn't live this way anymore. I had already cheated myslef out of a quarter of my high school experience. So I stuck to recovery, creating an account on instagram to help hold me accountable, get advice, and to receive and give support to others.

By the summer of 2017, I was in a good head-space. I was back to enjoying outings with family and eating "fear foods." I had even made the decision to practice a plant-based lifestyle that summer after learning the huge negative impact animal agriculture has on both the animals well-being and the environment. My dad had also that year gotten a new job in Orlando, bringing us to pack up our things, leave the house we grew up in, and start anew. I was excited for the adventure, feeling like a new person already since choosing recovery all those months ago.

Given my love for running, and the fact that is was already my junior year of high school, I decided to try out for my new high school's cross country team, I loved it. That summer though, I had ironically broken my finger running (long story), and it required surgery, bringing an end to the cross country season for me, and a new space for Ed to sprout up again.

I got alot of anxiety after my surgery. Having been running every day for cross country, I didn't like the long break I had to take from exercising in order to help my body heal. This made it easy for eating disordered behaviors to slip in and 3 months later, I fell back into the cycle of restricting again. Being able to run again and exercise made it even worse, as I developed compulsive over-exercising habits.

This couldn't be happening to me.

not again.

But it did. There I was, dragging my whole family down the rabbit hole again. For a moment it felt as if I never left, as if those last 6 months of semi "food freedom" was nonexistent. I drove myslef to unattainable levels, for what I don't know. I didn't have many friends up in Orlando, so talking to someone was out of the question. I instead numbed my emotions by investing all my time in my schooling, upholding straight A's and constantly occupying my time with work and chores. It paid off, I got 5's on all my AP exams and ended the year with all A's, but it came at a cost. I dwindled back to skin and bone, and my blood tests were all out of wack (it was a miracle I was still breathing and able to function at such an elevated congnitive level).

Rather than spending the last week of my Junior year at school, I was admitted into a rehab center for eating disorders. It was scary, and the emotions of my first day were intense. I had never physically been in the presence of other individuals who knew all I did and more about eating disorders. It was even harder to not give in to temptations to pursue behaviors that some people there still continued to act on in private. Yes it was hard, and it got worse before it got better, but in the end, those three months changed my life.

I got there in late May of 2018 and I graduated on August 1st, 2018. I reached a much more stable weight and was enjoying tackling "fear foods" and eating out again. In those three months, I cultivated so many deep relationships with the other clients there, friendships that I still uphold to this day. I thrived off of motivating and encouraging them through choosing recovery for myself. I loved to make them smile too. It's not that I miss the place now, but I miss the people. Leaving there opened my eyes to the multitude of ways eating disorders root themselves in people and the varying ways in which they are expressed.

Looking back in retrospect, I don't see my eating disorder as a burden, but as a lesson. A lesson from God that I have the power to influence and help encourage others to embrace who they are and to live a life filled with love, freedom, and abundance.

For once in my life I have found a place where I am not obsessed with food and numbers, a place where I can feel sadness and shame, but also love and happiness. A place where I treat my body with compassion rather than hatred. This life lesson gives me hope that if I can do it, so can you. If you are struggling, you are not alone, and achieving peace and freedom is possible for you; because YOU ARE WORTH IT. You always have been and always will be.

Where am I now?

Right now I'm manifesting. I am living my life to the fullest and seeing the beauty amidst the chaos of it all. I'm working on not taking things too personally, and I'm speaking my truth. I'm living through my eyes rather than someone elses. I'm dreaming of all of my future travels and adventures, of all the interesting people I will meet, of all the good food I'll be eating, and all the animals I'll help! The possibilites of life are limitless once you realize that you have the power to cultivate your own reality; and that...that is what I want to communicate with people.