the truth.

I am forever fascinated by the way pictures can tell a story with the click of a button.

But sometimes pictures are skewed.

Although they bring to light the happiness and joy,

They supress to the pain and suffering that is hidden underneath.

March 24th, 2018.

That was the day this photo was taken.

We'd just left our little 3 day escapade at my grandmothers house and, as planned, my mom, sister and I were going out for milkshakes and treats at the vegan bakery by our apartment. Since the beginning, the day already wasn't going as expected: We ended up staying late to help my grandmother with some house-cleaning work and therefore left much later than usual. We didn't end up getting to the bakery until 6:00 P.M.

Of course I was excited to go to the bakery. I hadn't been in a while and was excited to try a donut and their milkshakes. But just as I was happy to go, I was also anxious.

What if the milkshake didn't live up to all the photos and reviews I researched on it throughout the week?

What if I didn't get what I wanted?

or worse,

What if it ends up being a "waste of calories?'

For those of you reading this who have experience with the "E.D. voice," I'm sure you can imagine what those voices and feelings were surrounding this moment.

As it turned out, their soft serve machine was down and therefore I ended up just getting a chocolate milkshake rather than a cookies and creme milkshake. I felt like it wasn't a big deal; however, when they handed me the milkshake with no donut on it....my anxiety spiked.

"It was supposed to have a donut. ALL the pictures we looked at showed it with a donut on top. Not to mention Zoe, this looks like soup! The girl making it didn't even know what she was doing! This is why we should just resort to just making things ourselves."

That was Ed's voice.

Despite things not going the way I expected, I stood my ground and decided I was going to take this moment and enjoy it. My sister had gotten a milkshake and a cookie, and my mom had gotten the soft-serve with brownie crumbles on top. She noticed that I wasn't happy the donut was missing so she offered to buy me a donut to have with it. Knowing it would give Ed a slap to the face, I said yes. Also, I was REALLY determined to have a donut.

We finished paying and then we walked to the bench across the walkway and sat down to eat our treats.

That's when I had my sister snap this photo of me.

Well, more like photos. I'd be lying if I said I was satisfied with the first picture. In fact, I wasn't even happy with this picture. After about 4 takes I had her stop. why? Cause I was frustrated and starving.

Long story short, donut was delicious. I also ended up scarfing down the remainder of the milkshake not too long after.

After we finished, my mom asked me:

"You're not going to get mad about having a milkshake and a donut now are you?"

I replied:

"No. The donut was really good."

I put a smile on my face and began to walk.

Everything went downhill from there.

All of a sudden I had this urge to fall to the floor and cry.

I felt pure hatred,

and guilt.

What I had done was so wrong, or so that was what I was letting Ed tell me.

I was going to tell my mom after I had the milkshake + donut that I could go for a pizza, but I held back from doing it because I felt I needed to. I had just eaten and didn't need to go eat something else for it'd make me just feel even more guilty in the end.

I did tell her though that I felt willing to do ANYTHING to get what I had just eaten out of my system.

I could tell she was mad, but I was just crying out for help. I told her my intentions so she could help prevent me from acting on them- because if I didn't tell her, I don't think I'd be telling you all the same story I am now.

We got home and I was in a fit. I don't know if you can relate, but when I'm mad and frustrated, I tend to just remain silent and push people away,

But the truth?

I was screaming for help.

My mom was trying to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't budge. I was so fixated on the fact that I couldn't eat dinner because I had the milkshake & donut so late and I had "messed up" by even doing that.

Looking back, I know thinking that was wrong and irrational.

You might be wondering why I even bothered to share this story.

I'm sharing this because these experiences, this journey to recover from this-

it is part of my life.

For so long in my life I made others laugh to mask the pain I felt inside,

I don't want to do that anymore.

I want to be raw and honest,

for I think true growth happens when we are vulnerable and willing to use our flaws and "mistakes" as building blocks to become stronger.

This picture I shared doesn't tell anyone how the girl suppressed her hunger because she was anticipating the "treat" she was going for later.

This picture doesn't tell anyone that she was staring for minutes at a time at pictures throughout the week of the food she planned on getting at the bakery.

More importantly,

This picture doesn't show how damaging eating disorders can be.

If you would have asked me in April 2017 if I'd ever experience what I am now, I'd have told you no. I didn't think nearly 6 months into my recovery, weight restored and all, that I'd ever fall into a relapse.

But I did.

What turned into anorexia turned into orthorexia.

The fear of not eating what was deemed as "healthy" in the vegan community scared me.

I was surrounded by idols and figures who showed off their dishes of "whole plant-based" foods. This left me with the feeling that I needed to eat that way in order to live the amazing life they showed off and look as amazing as they did.

I am currently- as I type this post- having a difficult time admitting this to you in writing.

But it's the truth.

I am still recovering.

I am still building my way to health & happiness.

I am still working to counter the negative voices in my head with ones filled with love and positivity.

But I have one thing that I didn't have prior to my 1st attempt at long-term recovery:

YOU.

Yes. You. The person whose eyes are reading these words right now. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say and how I feel. To be heard is an amazing and freeing feeling. To be heard is something the eating disorder doesn't want, but I will actively pursue being heard every day.

Using social media as a platform to share my life, dreams, and passions has opened up a door for me that I am eternally grateful for. It has helped me tremendously in igniting my soul and bringing me closer to my higher self and who I know I am inside.

I will continue to actively pursue recovery each day, but to anyone reading this who is in the midst of an "E.D.", I want you to know that it is very important not to let this experience or chapter of your life define you.

You are so much more than an eating disorder.

You're worth is greater than how good you are at recovery.

You are more than a label.

My goal going forward is not only to make my health a priority, but also to be a beacon of light for others to come to and find reassurance, encouragement, comfort, and love.

Because the truth is:

You are not alone.

You don't have to be merely just a photograph anymore.

You can speak 1,000 words and more.

Use your voice.

Speak your truth.