The Problem With Comparison In E.D. Recovery

We all do it.

Whether it be looking at what the person next to us is ordering or belittling ourselves because we don't look as good as the model in the magazine, the inclination to compare ourselves and our situation to others has become a norm in society.

Lately, it has been this behavior that has been a real "roadblock" in regards to my recovery.

I have always had a problem with comparing myself to my mom. Since being in the depths of my eating disorder, I remember always making it a competition when it came to food, only she didn't know it. I would purposely pack her more snacks when she went to work so I didn't feel as guilty eating my lunch, and I would always try to convince her to eat something with me so I didn't feel like I was eating "too much." After all, she ate like a normal person, and if she ate it, then me eating it would be normal too right? Ed would have no reason to say I should feel guilty.

It's kind of funny, really. In the sense that as I am typing this, I am actually realizing how all these behaviors and actions I have been doing are connected to the idea that I am expecting to FEEL something as a result of what or how much I eat. In truth, our feelings should never be determined or dictated by the food we ingest. More importantly, neither should our worth.

On Friday, my mom, sister, & I went out for lunch (which I had requested!). It was nothing special, but we went out for subs at my favorite place called Which Wich. I got my favorite (a vegan black bean patty sub with lettuce, tomatoes, mustard, and pickles!) and my mom and sister ended up splitting a sub. In that moment I felt as if lunch went from easy to 100 times harder real quick.

Why?

Well for one, my mom and sister were SPLITTING a sub, not each having their own. I had already had a bigger breakfast than them to begin with, and there was no doubt I had eaten more than them by having a whole sub and them just having half; that was just common sense. I suddenly felt my anxiety build up. I wanted to say everything I could to manipulate them into getting their own sub so I didn't feel guilty eating a whole one by myself.

Wait. Did you hear that?

I said I didn't want to feel guilty about eating a whole sub.

But what is wrong with eating a whole sub?

Nothing. Exactly.

My point is, we eat to fuel our bodies, not as a way to seek validation for our own self worth. You see, Ed has driven me, and I'm sure many of us, to do things such as lie or manipulate others so we can feel better about ourselves. This includes manipulating others to make certain food choices so we feel more validated and confident about our own. But the truth is, comparing ourselves to others is pointless. Especially this point in the game.

From a recovery aspect, comparing ourselves to others has no benefit. Whether it be to someone in recovery as well , or someone who has never had an eating disorder, it is pretty much pointless. Each and everyone one of our bodies are different in their own way. It was how God created us all to be. That being said, it is pretty obvious that recovery won't be the same way for everyone. Some might require more food and nourishment than others while some might not. The reason many people look over this and continue to feel guilty if they can't eat as much or can't eat as little as someone else goes back to what I said earlier: we are stuck under the idea that our worth and value is somehow connected to what/how much we eat.

Comparing ourselves to those that aren't going through an eating disorder can be even worse. It's one thing to understand that one person's recovery will be different from someone else's, but for many it can be even harder to understand that in no way should you feel like you should be eating what a "normal" person eats in recovery. Recovery in general involves eating abnormal amounts of food. The average person not suffering from an eating disorder doesn't have to eat abnormal amounts because he/she is not suffering from a bad mental relationship with food, nor is he/she deficient in nourishment & essential nutrients. Therefore, comparing yourself to someone not in recovery is just Ed's way of sabotaging you.

When he sees us doing well and getting better, he immediately makes us draw comparisons to people whom we know logically we could never compare ourselves to.

How can we escape these constant thoughts?

I have yet to figure that out myself. But what I do know, is that comparing ourselves to others is a form of self-sabotage that will only keep you in a perpetuous cycle or guilt, low-self esteem, and restriction. The way out is through continuing to remind yourself of the truth: that you are a child of the most high God, and are accepted and loved by him always. Your worth was never meant to be connected to what you eat or how much you eat, or even how you might feel in a certain moment. When God created you it was already written in stone. You will always be worth it and loved. You are a beautiful soul that is bound for freedom and abundance and endless amounts of love and support. This reigns true, no matter what you eat, no matter how much you weigh, no matter how you look in that outfit, and no matter how little you might think of yourself now.

You are loved.

You matter.

No matter what.