On Labels

Hi everyone!!! I had mentioned on my instagram recently that I had been going through a lot of stuff this past week both mentally and physically and being that 99.9% has to do with my recovery, I thought I'd share it with you all!

As many of you know, I entered treatment for my eating disorder towards the end of May, and since then have been working towards my recovery with a treatment team. Yes, it was a blessing that they let me stay vegan, but upon my first talk with my dietician, she mentioned that I would possibly need to dig deeper in order to determine whether or not veganism was a part of my eating disorder or not. I brushed it off, because if anything, who wants to be told their way of eating is not right? No one! I didn't think the topic would come up again until last week.

On Monday, I entered my dietitians office and we began to discuss a very touchy topic in my recovery: being vegan. Now I very much know my decision to go vegan wasn't "ED based," however, my dietician was more concerned with addressing any ways Ed could have abused my decision to go vegan. I was offered ideas that included possibly becoming vegetarian and pursuing more of an "ethical vegetarianism" kind of diet, and purchase eggs from local farmers. The idea practically drove me insane. I ended up making it through the rest of my day at treatment, but upon returning home, I broke into an all out panic attack.

Let go of veganism? No way! How could I do that? I felt like the world was on my shoulders and no matter what decision I made, It wouldn't have been the right one. I found myself going back and forth over what to do: stay vegan or go vegetarian?

Then I realized something.

I was battling between 2 extremes.

I later realized that I had developed this "black and white" mindset over being vegan or not being vegan. I either ate strictly vegan or I wasn't vegan AT ALL.

Obviously this thinking isn't healthy, and I know many people in E.D. recovery struggle with that same mindset; however, I talked to my psychiatrist later that week and she brought to my attention that what's important is that we get used to living in the "grey" area.

What is the "grey" area?

Balance.

The "grey" represents where the two extremes converge and are in equilibrium (also called balance). It is what many of us strive to achieve in our recovery and in life in general.

After talking to my psychiatrist that day, I began to ponder what the "grey" area would look like for me. I also talked to one of my therapists later that week and was able to gain more of an insight on what it means to be vegan and/or vegetarian. I also learned one very important thing:

Our worth is not determined by what we eat.

By talking to my therapist I began to realize that Ed was abusing me being vegan in a subtle way, even though I didn't want to admit it. How? Well, as with any lifestyle, there comes a set of rules and structure, and we all know Ed loves that. He also abused veganism by ruling out certain foods because they were "bad" or "unhealthy," as if being vegan wasn't healthy enough!!! (I think this also shows how we need to acknowledge that we will never be enough for Ed, but that's for another blog post!)

This is when I learned the power of labels. Today we use labels for EVERYTHING. I understand some labels are needed, such as labelling professions and material items. however, I believe our own diet (I mean diet as in the foods we eat not like "diets" such as keto or Atkins) is something sacred and personal. Our diet and the way we eat represents our divine connection to our body and the Earth. To place a label on it is to, in my opinion, place restrictions on oneself and deprive them of changing and growing. It can keep one in a stagnant place out of fear of judgment from others.

So, what now? What did I choose: vegan or vegetarian?

The truth?

Neither.

When I say that, I do not mean I am abandoning veganism. No. I genuinely believe the ethics of veganism and being for the animals is awesome, and I would love to advocate for more animal rights, but I think any label when it comes to labeling your lifestyle or diet, is unhealthy. Our bodies will change, regardless of whether we want them to or not, as we progress through life. We cannot expect everyone's "labels" to remind the same while everything else is changing. It is very similar to when being immersed in the eating disorder, when everything is changing around you, one turns to food because that is the one thing, the one constant, they can have control over and apply rules too; and these rules are applied through labels.

What I do choose moving forward is to abandon labels. If people ask, sure I might say I am vegan to better clarify what exactly it is I eat, but the difference will be that it is no longer a part of my identity. I will no longer identify me by what I eat, because as I said earlier, our worth is not defined by what we eat. You have every right to eat what you so choose to eat, and it is not my job to force you to change.

You are worth it by just being.

You don't have to eat a certain way,

You don't have to look "pretty,"

You don't have to identify as a certain gender, color, or race,

You are enough by just being present and alive in this very moment.

In my recovery, I am currently working on just embracing food, myself, and taking a more loose approach to being "vegan." The extreme part of being vegan (I think) is the idea that is has to be 100% vegan or you're a failure for eating it. When in fact that is far from true. What ever happened to trying your best? That is what I am practicing. As selfish as it is, I know my health comes first. I can't avidly help the animals if I'm slowly killing myself. Until I get to a healthier and safer relationship with my body and food, I am just going to do the best I can with following a vegan lifestyle. There might be periods of my life in the future ( I don't know, but I am certainly working on being more open to change) where I might not eat 100% "vegan," but thats OKAY.

I am learning to let go of the statement "I am vegan," because when you think about it, that is not who I am, and that is not who you are. You are love. You are light. You are one with the intrinsic nature of the Earth.

Like the best Vegan pizza ever!!! Topped with vegan cheese, tomatoes, spinach, and cooked tofu! :D

A HUGE thanks to Jordan Younger (the balanced blonde) for her inspiration and wisdom. She helped gift me with this realization and had I known picking up her book Breaking Vegan would help me all these years later...well lets just say the universe knows what she's doing.

I hope you all have a beautiful rest of your day!!! Until the next blog post!!!